Please Help Me I'm Falling...


Yep, I've done it again. Once again I tangled with gravity and--surprise!--gravity won. Wednesday morning as I ran up a driveway to get onto the sidewalk I tripped over a fallen garbage can lid. I threw my arms up and out in front of myself in hopes of getting upright again, but succeeded only in coming down with most of my body weight on the inner part of my right shoulder. This was not a minor trip 'n' slip that I could jog away from. My shoulder and arm let me know that I'd put myself once again on the DL. I went to my doctor's office in the afternoon, where one of her minions (the same one who oversaw my hip injury) shook her head over me and said things like "possible rotator cuff tear," "may need an MRI," and "you stupid idiot." OK, I didn't actually hear her say that last, but if she had I wouldn't have argued with her. I am currently wearing a sling (see illus. 1), trying not to fall over when I enter and exit cars, and doing a passable job of eating with my left hand. I have an appointment with an orthopedist next Wednesday, when I'll find out if I need an MRI / therapy / surgery / a lobotomy.

Since a lot of this blog seems to consist of my chronicling my various injuries, it occurs to me that it can serve me as a kind of object lesson in recognizing reality. I envision writing about training schedules, nutrition, footwear, races, distances--all those subjects dear to an active and healthy runner's oversized heart. How seldom these days do I find myself as that healthy person! I feel as if I'm getting a wake-up call about the way I live a lot of my life inside my head. I constantly project, thinking and talking about all the miles I'll run, all the races I'll enter, all the routes I'll explore. While I gaily map out the mythical future I seem to be missing what is really going on. I pay lip service to the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, the ability to appreciate (to be awake to) what is happening in the moment, but my wiley brain is more often than not off in the land of "andthenI'lldothisandthenI'lldothat."

Today I went to the gym with Z, and the reality is that I walked / shuffled 15 minutes on the treadmill and rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes. Both activities were great fun--I loved being in motion after two days off. But as soon as I finished I started discounting my aerobic half hour because it wasn't RUNNING. It didn't fit the picture I've grown attached to of me, the running queen. So right now I want to be able to step back a bit from that picture and to accept this latest challenge as an opportunity to expand my openness to what really is rather than to what I envision. Seems like it should actually be easier to accept what is than to try and manufacture reality......... but I often don't find it so.

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