Well, I'm Walkin'


...yes indeed, and I'm talkin' about...medical stuff. The films don't lie: I tore my rotator cuff and fractured my humerus. Why am I not laughing if it's so humerus?

Actually, I am smiling. My shoulder improves by the day. Today I went with Z to the gym and ran a bit on the treadmill. I'm keeping my activity moderate, because I want to heal. I still haven't ridden my bike--am mostly just walking. What surprises me is how much pain I still have. When I first awake in the morning my entire right arm, right to my fingertips, aches. Then it eases. But as the day goes on I get tired, and by bedtime I'm miserable. But it's getting better. It's getting better. It's getting better.

Since I hurt myself it seems I keep encountering other stories of woe, and all of them worse than mine. It keeps my little pity party from growing any bigger than it needs to be. Reminds me of one of my favorite Zen tales. A woman whose child had died went to the Buddha and begged him to restore her child to life. She moaned and wailed, and he knew she wouln't be satisfied if he turned her away. So he said, yes, I can heal your child if you can bring me a mustard seed from a house where there has been no sickness or death. She went away to find such a thing, and came back, humbled, in a few days. For behind every door she had knocked on she'd encountered a family with a tale of sorrow, a tale of someone dear who was dying or dead. Yes, mortal are we all.

Moving on! I have four more days to work at my full-time job. Then I ride off into the world of freelancing and four-day weekends. I have a proofreading gig lined up that should take me to SF two to four days a week, and then I'm hoping to pick up some off-site jobs. My soon-to-be-ex-boss has already loaded me up with one freelance project to take with me as I try to sneak out the door.

So I'll be working. But I'm really looking forward to learning how to be less stressed. I laugh at myself: my to-do list for my "down" time is longer than my injured arm and almost as painful. Why do I have so much trouble believing that doing less could offer me more? I feel that I might be able to learn this, but it will take patience. I think I'll have more patience if I can return to a regular running schedule. Not having one makes my whole life feel out of kilter.

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