All I Have to Fear Is...

...well, you know what it is. Sitting at my desk wondering why I feel so bad right now. I do a body scan. Lump seems to have settled in my chest. I feel some nasty cortisol making its way through my very bones. Hmmm. Just what has got my fight-or-flight hormones in such an uproar?

Of course. I'm going to the track after work tonight for the first time since way before I got injured. I'm nervous to go to the track even when I'm feeling at the top of my game. And now? Even though I have been cross-training (see photo, above, of the tennis club where my friend B. met me early Saturday and generously instructed me on how to water-jog), I feel I'm still weak as a kitten compared to a real runner. Well, hello, kitty. What can you learn from this fear-ball you've swallowed?

I was reading through old blog entries yesterday and was chagrined to note that since the time of my first posts--early 2006, that would be--I've lost close to a minute per mile in my training runs. I can't imagine how slow I might be now that I'm injured. Maybe 5 minutes slower per mile. Sure, I "ran" on the treadmill yesterday, but the ugly truths are 1) I unweighted my hips by holding myself up by grasping the treadmill rails and 2) I was so afraid of doing damage that I took some five minutes to do a quarter-mile. (Some people call that walking. Not me.)

Anyway. I'm afraid that when I take a vigorous step and put my full running weight on my legs that it will be so painful I'll stop immediately. I'm afraid I'll look like a fool. (Never mind look like a fool doing what--I always have that fear, so I can be doing just about anything. Including writing in this blog, and I'm afraid of looking like a fool.) I'm afraid I'll go so slow that I won't actually, technically be moving at all. I'm afraid I'll be pitied. I'm afraid I won't be pitied. And so on.

I've found the best prescription for defeating fear is just to go out there--to the "there" of the moment--and do whatever I can do. So I'll do that today.

Comments

Liz said…
I hope your workout worked out and that you're feeling okay. You're still an inspiration to many of us "younger folk" who can't manage to be half as active as you despite our supposed age advantage. I'd like to be just like you when I grow up... :)
6:41 PM
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